30 Day invisible illness challenge: Day 14

Day Fourteen: 

People would be surprised to know: 

Endometriosis has brought me guilt and shame

I cannot tell you how many times I have been ashamed of myself for having endometriosis. Sometimes I feel like it's my fault. Some days, I think that I am entirely at fault for my suffering, and I do not deserve to have a loving boyfriend, wonderful family, and a job. Endometriosis is a disgusting disease. It's gross, and people don't like to talk about it, hear about it, or think about it because it's a disease of the female reproductive organs. 

An endometrioma, or "Chocolate Cyst"-- painful to have and gross to look at.

And really, the disease is disgusting. I'm ashamed to have swollen, bleeding, endometrial lesions displaced in my pelvis. I'm a bit embarrassed that my left ovary and my sigmoid colon are adhered to a pelvic ligament. It's all just really crappy and I'm angry and ashamed about it.

I'm currently awaiting a colonoscopy (I heard back from the doctor performing the procedure and after our pre-procedure meeting in May, I'll need to wait 3-4 months for the actual procedure- and my case is labeled urgent). I have such a hard time expressing to my post-secondary instructors why I've been missing class and why I'm stressed and a bit depressed. How do I express to my peers that I'm nervous? I don't want to openly talk about having a colonoscopy. I accidentally nervously blurted to a classmate that I'll be having a colonoscopy and he was super chill about it. But talking about having a procedure where a colonoscope is stuck up your butt isn't really common chit-chat.

I am a very hard worker, but I've found it's very difficult to hold down a job and succeed in post-secondary while suffering with a chronic illness. Some days I desperately want to yell at my instructors I'M TOO SORE AND TIRED TO DO MY HOMEWORK PLEASE GIVE ME A BREAK! But in the same breath, I don't want special treatment. I have a lot of conflicting feelings regarding endometriosis, and in all seriousness, I'm a bit of a paradox. I want to be nurtured and taken care of but I won't let that happen because I don't want to seem weak.

My attitude regarding my disease 75% of the time:

So, in short, endometriosis has brought me guilt and shame. I'm genuinely embarrassed that I have this disease. I want to communicate to my instructors that I'm not a bad student when I'm late on an assignment, but I just don't want to admit what's wrong with me. I really think that by blogging through the month of March, I can maybe take away some of the uncertainty and questions surrounding endometriosis. 

I want it to be OK to talk about female reproductive disorders. I really wish that it wasn't taboo, because sometimes I need a little help and a little understanding. 

Thank you so much for joining me through the month of March on this 30 day challenge. Your support is immensely encouraging. Thank you so much!

-Captain Lakie