Backwards Latin

Yesterday my boyfriend took me to meet my new surgeon. 

I used to be relieved when a doctor would acknowledge that there was something wrong with my body. It was a kind of relief, this sensation of oh thank god, I knew I wasn't crazy! Yesterday after my appointment, I stood in a hot shower crying, wishing that everything was actually in my head. 

The appointment wasn't necessarily bad, but it was a jarring reminder that I am not healthy and there is something quite wrong. My blood pressure came back abnormally low. While a healthy blood pressure is above 110, mine was at 90. The culprit? Blood loss. I've been slowly bleeding out for months.

The surgeon was nice, she's this petite smart little Asian lady. She seems smart, and we discussed surgery. I thought that I could like her, but then she said she wanted to do a physical. I HATE PHYSICALS. 

Me when the surgeon said she wanted to do a physical exam:

(I wish I could have actually vanished in a cloud of smoke)

She performed a painful physical (when I say painful, I mean my body turned ice cold and I sweat so much the paper covering the examination table soaked through). She said she could feel what she thinks is endometriosis. This is odd, I've never heard of a physician being able to actually feel endometriosis in a physical exam before, but hey, whatever. 

We discussed surgery. She said, "surgery is definitely on the table, it's just a matter of when we do it." She doesn't want me to have numerous operations, which is fair. Surgery comes with so many risks. But I'm just sick and tired of being sick and tired. She said that while she would prefer to perform my operation right before we're ready to start trying for children, we'll make out decision after the results from my colonoscopy are reviewed... which will be after September or October.

Then she suggested I have babies now. 
I am embarrassed to admit that I had a full blown panic attack (complete with hyperventilation) in the car on the way home. Babies? Now? ....no. I'm not ready. 

I fear this is how I will be as a mother:

It was such a stressful appointment, I've been feeling pretty bummed out since. I can't seem to pull myself together. I've been feeling tired, achy, and mopey today. I need to pull myself out of this. I'm surrounded by so much love and support that I don't have much reason to be feeling a bit sorry for myself. I'm trying to cheer up. 

BUT BABIES. NO. NOT NOW. Terror runs through my body like an icy cold electric jolt when I imagine myself embarking on motherhood within the next couple years.  

When the surgeon suggested having children now, my mind turned to mush and I was like:

At this point, I realized, I think that perhaps an exorcism may be a viable treatment option for endometriosis. I'm not even kidding. Why not give it a whirl? An exorcism. Sure. Let's give it a shot. Surly it can't be worse than Leuprolide!