Day Fifteen:
The hardest thing to accept about my new reality is:
This disease will never go away.
It's crushing to remember that there is no cure for endometriosis. When I'm having a bad pain day I think when I'm better I'll be so happy. But... this won't happen. I don't mean to say that I can never be happy-- that's awful. But there's no cure for endometriosis. My doctor has tried just about every treatment on me, from cancer treating Leuprolide to an alternative use of Botox. So far, the only "treatment" that works for me is surgery. After a pelvic laparoscopy (I've had two) I'm extremely sore and tender for a month and a half. Then, wonderfully, I am pain free for about 6 months.
Doctors are always very reluctant to perform operations. They will do anything and everything before they put you on the operating table. Surgery is scary and awful, but at the same time, so awesome. You get the best pain relief and you feel awesome for up to a year after.
My first real gynecologist, the doctor that did my first surgery, told me after my diagnosis that this is something I would have to learn to live with. Endometriosis doesn't go away. A hysterectomy provides relief for some, but it's not a guaranteed cure. Endometriosis can still come back, even if the uterus and ovaries are removed.
My mother and I were in tears during my diagnosis 4 years ago, and not much has changed since. It's a constant battle. I hate complaining about my pain, because I don't want to drag my loved ones into this vortex of misery.
Me after work/school on bad pain days:
So, really, the hardest thing to accept about my life with endometriosis is that it won't change, and the doctors won't have a cure for me. I'm hoping for a treatment that will alleviate my pain enough so I can resume an active lifestyle.
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| Because I would like to resume this part of my life, preferably without pain. |
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| And this, I miss this. My friend Dominique, at left, Scooter in the middle, and me at right. |
Endometriosis doesn't stop me from doing things, but it makes most things tremendously difficult. Riding horses, for instance, is hard with endo because it takes a lot of core strength. I'm into riding bareback and free riding (I ride scooter with no saddle, bridle, halter, nothing-- completely free) and it's really hard on the abdominal muscles. Physical activity makes my pain really bad and makes me bleed, so it just doesn't feel worth it.
Endometriosis will not go away, and it's crushing each and every time I'm reminded.
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